- recuperating from my audition physically
- feeling completely drained from my audition emotionally and mentally
- playing computer games (my latest is www.bigfishgames.com 's "Plantasia" - highly addictive) to try to decompress from the audition
- unfortunately eating more sweet things than I should be to try to cope with the rejection after so much blood sweat and tears invested into the audition, so as a result I've been feeling crappy physically. I know, I know, if carbs are demons, sugar is their AntiChrist, but I just can't seem to stay away from it. And damn it if it doesn't work to make you feel better in the extended short term...
- playing the Brahms festival at work, which has been incredibly intense. We're doing ALL of the Symphonies and ALL of the concertos in a two week span. That means 6 concerts over the span of two weeks, each one a different program. Not a lot of rehearsal time for any one piece and the constant change of program keeps you counting like a crazy person and trying to shift gears quickly. This is completely exhausting and a bit stressful mentally, and as a result I am just wiped out.
But it's Brahms, and Brahms is luscious, beautiful, and chock full of great horn parts. Even I, the lowly third horn player, get really nice extended solos. Last week was Brahms 3, Brahms 4, the Vln. Concerto, and the 1st Piano Concerto. This week is Brahms 1 and 2, the 2nd Piano Concerto, and the Concerto for Violin and Cello (which I've never played). This week is even harder than last week. And though I've played all the Symphonies and both Piano Concertos, I've never played the 3rd horn parts to any of these pieces before. So that's kind of scary, because they're completely different. *sigh*
I have another audition - hopefully the last one in a while - scheduled for the end of April. I am seriously debating whether I even want to take it. Best case scenario, do I even want this job I'm auditioning for? It's a ton more work, a lot more pressure, and I know for certain that I much prefer Milwaukee as a city (for zillions of reasons) to the city it's in.
I am just so exhausted and burnt out. I want to enjoy my life. I want to compose and arrange music for my brass quintet. I want to spend more time with my friends and to get much more involved with my church. I want to pick up where I left off on my weight loss journey (auditions pretty much eclipse anything else in your life that requires any amount of focus or effort, so my goal was just to maintain my weight loss these past months while I prepared, which I did, thank god). I want to get more physically fit. I want to really get into my yoga routine and try to meditate again. I want to be creative, to draw and paint again.
I'm very conflicted with these yearnings. I worry that if I decide to cancel my audition, I will regret not having taken it. I worry that I will wonder, later in life, whether I gave up or threw in the towel too soon, that I never realized my full musical potential.
Ugh. I think what I really need is a silent retreat of some kind, to just go inward and let the dust settle and really listen to and honor what my higher self tells me I need.
Other than that, things here are great. David was gone for 10 days last week for an NACC conference in Columbus, Ohio and to visit friends/family afterwards. I'll be honest - at first I loved having the house to myself. Other than the freedoms to eat and sleep whenever I wanted and to park my car smack in the middle of the garage, it wasn't that different from when he's here. But toward day 7 of his absence I started getting lonesome. I really started missing him, our conversations especially. So I was thrilled when he came home.
Next week I am going to visit my friends and family in the NE Ohio/Buffalo area. I'll drive into Cleveland on Wednesday afternoon, then out to Buffalo on Friday and back to Cleveland again on Sunday. Monday I'll leave from Cleveland to come back to Milwaukee. I'm really looking forward to the retreat. I'm debating whether I even want to bring my horn or not. Right now it feels like an unwelcome appendage that I'd like to have amputated for a while.
I guess this is more of a heart-on-my-sleeve post, but there you have it.
XO Darcy
3 comments:
Oh Honey!
I figured you were wiped after that audition. I totally hear you on the carb comfort food! It's okay to give yourself permission for that. When you're ready, you can adjust your eating later. And maintaining your weight loss so far through all this is a major victory, too!
As for deciding whether or not to take the next audition--I think your trip will help you get away from all that stuff for a while and maybe help you clarify what you really want.
It sounds to me like the only reason to go through with the audition is future regret if you don't. All the other things you listed sound to me in favor of not taking it. Only you can decide how much that future regret will matter.
I don't think you'd be throwing in the towel/settling if you don't take it. Look at you, how far you've come to get into a major orchestra after all those years of freelancing and working your butt off. I think part of it is being in this stage of life, where we're making big choices. And every time you make a choice, you're closing the door on all those other potential choices.
Will this help your life be what you want it to be? This question has helped me make choices that turned out to have a lot of benefit and minimal regret. Good luck, Sweetie, whatever you decide.
xo Karin
Hey - get some rest and enjoy your time off. First order of business. Make decisions after that. Like Karin said. :)
I have been doing theater non-stop since October. Tonight is opening night for "Pajama Game", I have the lead and came into the show three weeks after they started rehearsing, so I really had to pull it together. I almost regretted it when I accepted the part, but I've learned the only things you should regret are the things you DON'T do. If I don't interview for a job, I don't know whether I'll get it. If I don't audition for a show, I don't know if I could have gotten the part. Either way, if they tell me "no", oh well, my life isn't any worse off and I have the satisfaction of knowing one way or the other. Maybe you should audition because if you don't get it, your life still goes on and if you are given an offer, then is when you should decide whether it's for you or not.
As to a retreat, I was DYING to go away the 2nd week of April - the weekend right after "Pajama Game" closes, but I couldn't find anyone who knew someone with a cabin or trailer out of the way somewhere. Finally, someone in the cast recommended I check out the Ohio State Parks' website for their cabins. I'm so glad I did!! I found cabins with the same amenities that places like Holmes County and Hocking Hills have, but at more than 50% less!!! I got a 2 bedroom cabin with gas fireplace, full kitchen and bath, color TV with cable, screened porch, full utensils and cookware - for only $90 a night on the weekend! Anywhere else would cost me at least $200 a night! I invited Tracy and Barb to go with me for a weekend of margaritas, board games and movies on my portable DVD player.
Maybe you should look into Wisconsin State Parks for a weekend away!
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